” How do I know if I have had an orgasm?”

images

Yep,  I said it.  I have seen many women of all ages, races and cultures who have come to me for various reasons over the years, reasons unrelated to sexual issues, yet somewhere in the middle of our therapy session they blurt it out, like ripping off a band-aid; ” I don’t think I have ever had an orgasm how would I know?” Tears usually follow then embarrassment.  Most always, they have never told a soul, they are too embarrassed. Not even the ones who they have been married for 25 years or more, or their boyfriend or girlfriend who they have been dating or living. They usually have not masturbated and if they have, “Nothing happened”. I usually follow with: “You would know if you had one, but you can get there “.

Believe it or not this vignette is not as unusual as you think. Woman of all ages from 18-60 often keep this as a secret. I even treated a lesbian who was 28 years old share with me that when she was involved with men, and she had dated men all her life, and even briefly married, she had not had orgasms until she was with another woman. Of course that makes sense, she was with someone who had the same equipment, who taught her about her own body.  My point, is that as women, most of us have never discussed details of being a woman with our mothers, even as adults. I applaud the moms out there and there are some, who aren’t afraid or intimated to discuss these issues with their daughters.  And there are lots of women who have very open and frank discussions with their moms about questions they have or concerns about their bodies and sexual topics. Boys and men?  In my experience, it so much more normalized. We often say as parents ” You know, Johnny is taking awfully long showers nowadays, he is at that age if you know what I mean” (wink). I have found, that VERY few parents discuss with their girls  how to understand or get to know their bodies. Of course most parents discuss whether or not to get on birth control, whether or not to have sex and at what age, pregnancy issues, and they’re monthly cycle.  Don’t even get me started on STD’s.  But how many mothers or fathers for that matter talk about it with their girls? Is it permitted? Is it taboo?  Is it assumed that it’s not needed? 

I generally encourage my female clients with these concerns to go buy the book ” Our Bodies Ourselves”.  Initially printed in 1971, and still a highly popular book in its 9th publication and in 26 foreign editions. It educates about the female anatomy, female sexual health, sexual orientation, childbirth reproduction, mental health, menopause, etc. I highly recommend it for anyone who has a daughter to give to them as a gift. Even if you think your daughter will say: “Mom? Really?”. Trust me there is a lot of mis informed  woman and men out there who have learned from their peers, in  the area of sex, STD’s, and things you would not imagine. I have had several young girls who started their period who unknowingly inserted a tampon in their ass because they didn’t know where to insert it or how, and were not taught anything different. 

So in short, for those out there who feel alone in this area, or who don’t feel sexually empowered, go buy your self a vibrator, educate yourself and get to know your body. It’s your body and it will listen to you.  If you have a partner,  ask him or her to explore with you when your ready, what you like and what you don’t like. Its better than your husband or partner becoming angry or frustrated that they are not pleasing you, if they even know.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “” How do I know if I have had an orgasm?””

  1. Case in point: my mother and I got into a heated argument a few weeks ago. She is completely certain women “only have 2 holes down there, one for pee, one for poop”. When I tried to explain where her clitoris is, she refused to listen. Evidently I don’t know what I’m talking about!

    Like

  2. The ignorance about STDs is mind-blowing. I have formal training in health education and I’ve taught at several colleges. I am required to include the most up-to-date information on sexual health issues in my syllabus. When I lecture (and I’m not afraid to be graphic) the students are literally starring at me with their mouths hanging open. Most of them are in their 20s and when I deliver these lectures, honestly, it is the FIRST time they’ve heard this. What happened to “Health” class in high school? Well, this material has been deemed inappropriate by the state. Parents are supposed to teach this…

    Like

    1. I know it’s frightening. I can’t tell you how many women I have to explain “what to look for” physically re STDs
      And so many parents threw up their arms when sex education was brought up in school because it was an “inappropriate ” place to learn in that area. Where else will they learn? Obviously not at home..

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s