Category Archives: Addiction

How does it feel…REALLY?

To experience such intense private desperation inside that you want to end your life? To be such a tortured soul that not even a pin of light can be hoped for or any chance of ever getting out from under yourself. You become the source of your own darkness and despair. You blame yourself. A hostage to your sadness with no end in sight. How does it feel to be so profoundly depressed?
I suppose It would be like you finding out that you just WON 100 million dollars: OR that you just LOST everything you have. Your reaction would be exactly the same. Complete indifference to either scenario. That’s a glimpse into the sheer flatness of the way you feel and experience the world. Nothing matters anymore. Nothing.
Your compass is broken, you are so swallowed up by your own distorted thoughts and hopeless cognitions that your perception changes. Completely.
Those who suffer from depression try anything for relief. Robin Williams, and so many others famous or not, (who suffer from bipolar disorder, depression, or another mood disorder on the spectrum) use alcohol or drugs to self medicate, and try to escape from this feeling. Robin Williams did this with cocaine and alcohol. Then of course a secondary problem of substance abuse or addiction emerges, then you end up with two problems. Depression and substance abuse or addiction. This is called being dually diagnosed, and requires care from those who are trained in both addiction and mental health. One feeds off the other. For those who have never really experienced what it’s like to hit an emotional wall it’s similar to a huge truck going 70 mph striking a piece of glass shattering it into pieces. Then you learn you have glue all those hundreds of shards and broken pieces back together with no tools or template, and your can’t see very well. It’s overwhelming, it can be just too much. In the wake of Robin Williams suicide, by asphyxiation (hanging) watching news coverage, hearing the reactions of fans, journalists and celebrity physicians, it makes me sad how often those who appear so happy and so put together on the outside, can be so very distressed. Depression comes from the INSIDE not the outside. It does not matter how wonderful or fortunate the individual appears to be. I always tell my clients who compare their insides to other people’s outsides that you never really know anyone’s private hell. Its not always the ones who look like crap, or don’t go to work, or have few outlets or friends. Mental illness crosses money lines, class lines, cultural lines, religious and spiritual lines, right wing, left wing, in the center. The homeless guy down the street, the well put together woman in the cubical next to yours at work, or the amazingly gifted and loved comedian and actor, Mr. Robin Williams.
Very often it is a person you never thought was troubled by life at all. Suffering happens deep inside and most often can’t been seen.
There is always hope. There is always a way out, there is a way to get beyond it. For some, they just couldn’t make it or see it.
Be compassionate to the angry bitchy woman who you interact with in the workplace, or your neighbor who can never move her head to make eye contact with you. You just don’t know the private pain people carry around everyday.
Being nice or reaching out with a kind word can make a difference in their life. Even if it’s just a moment. I have heard that those moments can change a persons day or even their faith in humanity. 

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The New Lepers. Policed Nation

British doctors voted last week to ban cigarettes for anyone born after the year 2000 in Britain. Brilliant! Apparently, this is a first big step in an overall initiative to make Britain FREE of tobacco within the next 20 years. Britain has been able to enforce NO SMOKING in public, and also banning smoking in any automobile carrying a child. The US has cracked down on smokers as well. No smoking in public, no smoking in restaurants or bars, and It is common place in the DC Metro area to see signs that display “no smoking within 50 feet of this building” around town centers, office areas, shopping malls, as well as doctor, dentist offices and movie theaters.
There are many new snappy apartment buildings going up that have a strict no smoking policy. This means if you live there your not even permitted to smoke in your apt, on the roof or anywhere near the building.
Where do the smokers go?
I remember the days of smoking in airplanes, airports, with coffee in restaurants, while at work (and this was great if you worked in a psychiatric hospital), in taxi cabs, even in malls in designated areas.
A friend of mine who is a smoker, told me a story that happened to her recently. She was in a gas station/store buying cigarettes. When she was at the counter, a very robust heavy set woman in line behind her with a handful of hostess snacks, candy bars, and soda blurted out sarcastically to her ” you know smoking those will kill you, you really shouldn’t buy them”.
Now before I tell you how my friend replied, I should tell you she’s a thin well built attractive woman, who takes no prisoners when you start in on her about her smoking. Her doctor, her family, her friends, her clients, are always lecturing her about her smoking and her need to quit. She hates that she smokes. Telling a person who smokes they should not smoke Is like telling a fat person ” hey you really shouldn’t be buying that hostess cupcake it’s going to contribute to your obesity” a fat person knows they are fat, no one needs to tell them “hey you need to loose weight”. My friend looked at the woman and said ” I won’t buy my cigarettes if you dont buy your handful of goodies”. The women was appalled at her, I’m not sure why, clearly they both struggle with an addiction.

The smoker has become the chosen shunned leper. They hide outside in snow and rain to catch that much needed drag at lunch or after a meeting. You will find them outside of restaurants, and court houses, “away from the building” commiserating with other smokers. I get it. No one wants second hand smoke. However, I think it’s getting a bit out of hand. I guess the thought is that if we keep the smokers from smoking everywhere, even outside, maybe they will smoke less and it will decrease the national cancer rates and health problems. What do you suppose is next? Controlling alcohol consumption at bars and restaurants to prevent drunk driving or alcoholism? Or what about having a ban on sugar for anyone 25 lbs or more overweight?
No cookie for you.
Well people that are overweight don’t hurt others you might say? Obesity is yet another national health problem.
Obesity impacts our insurance rates, our medication costs, and many healthcare costs as well.
I’m not bashing obese people or bashing smokers. I just wonder if we are becoming an overly policed nation.
Good for Britain for tackling such a huge health problem. I wonder, do you think that plan would work in the US? That anyone born after 2000 (starting at age 14) was told they “may not smoke” It would be followed?
We as Americans, who love excess to the point of self destruction at times, don’t do well with our personal rights being infringed upon, what do you think?

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Suicide. Permanent Contempt

Men, as in most studies, generally have more aggressive impulses, thoughts, and emotions than females. It happens in their dreams and it occurs with their methods of suicide. It is often violent and unbridled. The methods men use when committing suicide are violent a majority of the time; use of firearms, cars driven into walls or off cliffs. And often as you have seen in mass shootings, they set up a homicide/suicide situation where they will commit a homicide(s), and want to take themselves out in the sad hope of making a mark on the world (another blog on profiling to come). Women overall, use less violent means. They overdose, or they may use carbon monoxide poisoning with their car, in their garage or with a hose, other may use other methods of poisoning, and hanging. Women use firearms as well but the statistics are much lower for firearms and suicide with women. According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control) in the USA, suicide statistics for all men, all races, and all ages was the 7th leading cause of death from 2000 to 2008. From 2008 to 2010 sadly, it moved from the 7th position to be the 4th leading cause of death among men. For women of all ages, & races, from 2002 to 2010 suicide was not listed at all in any of the top 10 leading causes of death for women. The first 3 causes of death have consistently been heart disease, cancer, and stroke for the past 8 years. Personally, I think this is because women are stronger emotionally. Possibly, have better emotional networking and support and have a tendency to use their support systems. They may not be as strong physically, but most know how to lean on others and talk. This blends into some of my previous posts about men, just not having the emotional tools to communicate effectively. It’s not their fault. Part of it is wiring and part is our culture. The need to demonstrate they are “strong”. Trying to treat law enforcement persons is even more difficult. And please know when I make these statements there are many exceptions to this rule. Interestingly, when looking closer at suicides, the CDC reports that the highest number of suicides among men were because of a”failed relationship”. Health problems were the second cause of suicide. Again, the failure of relationships most likely would have to do with emotional issues including communication, and their lack of understanding how to connect with women on an emotional level. I use to manage the emergency mental health department for the City of Alexandria, VA about 5 miles outside Washington, DC. I worked closely with police and fire departments and witnessed these statistics play out in real life and real-time. I was often called to hostage barricade situations, as well as suicide calls, both attempted and completed. One cold winter evening in the winter, I think it was in November, someone was reported as standing on the outside rail facing the water, on a bridge. The wind was blowing fiercely that evening. This man wanted to jump very badly off the Woodrow Wilson Bridge. This is a bridge that crosses the Potomac River and connects VA to MD. The man eventually came down after several hours of negotiating. Another oddity, is when I when I was growing up in the suburbs of Maryland, we had 4 suicides on my street in a 3 year period. Two of them were housewives that had committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning in their garages. They lived across the street from one another. The two events were not connected. The next was year, a 15-year-old boy shot himself in the head in his house after school. Four houses down from me and 5 houses from the 2 women. His little brother who was about 9 years old, ran up to my house saying he was afraid that ” the big bookshelf upstairs fell down” and he was scared. The parents were not home from work. I ran down there with my father to see what happened. He didn’t know his brother was home and this young man had used a shotgun and shot himself at the top of the steps. The walls were covered. It was a such a sad and macabre seen. A few years later, that same child who came up to my house, ended up shooting himself in the head in the same house in the same place. I felt so bad for the mother of these children who was a wonderful person. Who survives that? I remember her on her front lawn on the ground rolling around in hysterics making sounds I had never heard from any human. We all got it. No one judged her, it was like something on 60 minutes. Her marriage fell apart and she ended up living in the house alone, and passed away a few years ago of a health problem. The suicides of her only 2 children destroyed her. She never came back from that. Not really. This verifies the information we sometimes hear that suicide happens in clusters. One person does it and suddenly it’s happening all over the place. Even on the news. And it’s true. The reason for my post is to share that suicide permanently emotionally damages any family and friends who are left behind. I currently see a lovely man who came to me because his only son, who was 24 at the time, an extremely handsome, intelligent, sweet young man, and graduate from an Air Force Special Intelligence school shot himself in the head in his bathtub one week after his graduation. He had been hired to go on special assignment after graduation. His father, has been seeing me off and on for 5 years now, since the suicide. His son left no note. No trace of any issues, nothing. His father, has scoured through his sons computer, his files, his personal belongings and his clothing looking, researching for clues and answers anything to help him understand why his son would do this? He goes to his son’s grave every Sunday alone, by request, and “shares” a glass of scotch with him. He has changed. His tears today are as fresh and deep as the day it happened. He has been to every place, down every road, to every hotel, talked to every friend, family member, girlfriend, and even exactly mirrored the week his son experienced the week of his death. He really didn’t learn anything. Nothing. It kills him that he doesn’t know why? This has been the biggest challenge for him. His life now, revolves around his son’s birthday, the day he committed suicide, the day he was buried, and the day he found out. The holidays mean very little to him now, his marriage is falling apart. His son not only took his own life, he took his father’s life too.

Suicide is not a private event.It is like throwing a stone in a pond and each ripple represents a person. Then each person carries with them guilt, grief, anger, and confusion, and wonders if they could have done anything, anything at all to prevent it. Then it touches another person. Marriages break up, siblings struggle in their personal relationships, siblings struggle with their parents if their sibling committed suicide, often other siblings or friends commit suicide. It tears families apart at the hinges. Lives change. It is an angry and selfish thing to do to those in your life who love you. It is the ultimate angry abandonment. A final permanent expression of contempt to those left. Reach out, even if you think no one will understand. Read about survivors and how they pulled themselves out of the hopeless trap they tricked themselves to believing they were caught in.  There is always hope. 20140627-214401-78241971.jpg 20140627-214422-78262378.jpg

Anger…

Bottled up beneath the cover
waiting for release,
anger builds itself inside slowly
piece by piece
it may sometime give warning
by a firmly clenching fist,
or release itself less slowly
through the mind until it twists
without addressing anger’s wrath
trouble soon provokes,
some may feel that life’s no good
and simply is a joke
don’t let anger run your life
inside of you it feasts,
It will eat you up so slowly
daily piece by piece.

theresa perfetto ®
1980

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Simple Rules for Communication

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It’s hard to know how to argue. We learn from our parents, and if that tells you anything like most of us, it’s a skill that requires learning. If you follow these basics I promise you that communication becomes easier. I’m talking about how to talk not solving the issue itself.

1. No Name Calling: Do I need to list these? Nah

2. No Interrupting: Let the other person finish. Interruption when a person is trying to share their view STOPS the process and doesn’t allow the other person to be heard. Bite your lip. If you are talking or thinking about what to say next, you are not listening.

3. No Character Assassination:  These are allegations that the person you are fighting with might be a bad or unpopular member of his family, have a bad relationship with his or her friends, co-workers or children or is not respected by his colleagues.  Or that he/she had issues with his or her X that was similar. Not nice, not needed.

4. No Physical Violence: No hitting, throwing of objects, punching, scratching, spitting, you get it.

5. No Leaving the Room: Unless you are going to give yourself a time out to cool off, leaving in the middle of an argument is a power move and avoidance. It makes the other person feel unimportant, disrespected, and cut off. If you feel things are not getting anywhere and escalating, tell the person you’re arguing with that you need time to cool off AND (this is key) TELL THEM WHEN YOU WILL RETURN TO FINISH THE DISCUSSION AND WHEN It should be within 24 hours at the latest. An hour or two would be best. Or if you’re really good 10 minutes should do. Otherwise the topic never gets fully discussed and goes subterranean. Only to come up another time, most likely in the middle of your next fight

6. No Switching:  This occurs a lot when I see couples and it sounds like this:  

Person A ” When you leave stuff on the floor in the bedroom, it makes me feel irritated. I have asked you to work on this and you keep doing it! ”  

Person B “OMG are you kidding me? You leave your dishes everywhere in the house, your one to talk”.

Switching STOPS the process and will easily send you both onto another million tangents that you both are angry about. Lots of couples do this. If you want to bring up an issue bring it up SEPARATELY or at another time. Not this time.

7. No Abusive Language:  In other words no cuss words or vulgarity. It’s easy to say things like this when we are angry. The only thing this does is give us release but in doing so, it  shows disrespect toward the other person and STOPS the process. Use words that mean the same thing. I know it’s hard to find another work for “fuck!”   (My personal favorite), there are a zillion other things you can say when things are heated.