Category Archives: break- ups

Trail of Destruction, The Cheater 

 Image

There are a million books, websites, blogs, detective agencies, pamphlets, cards, TV shows, talk shows, podcasts, and even a Facebook page that examine and discuss the devastating impact of affairs and cheating while in a relationship. Cheaters are scum.
All media is geared toward the significant other of the one who was cheated on. Very little media addresses at all the one who steps out, the one who cheats, and the impact of events on him or her. Certainly, the person who was cheated on IS the one who is shattered and emotionally annihilated the deepest. Let’s make no mistake about that upfront. This is evident from the deepest rage and pain that uproots itself when infidelity shows itself and years after, that leaves a scar not only on the heart but on the mind as well. The pain sits like a huge rock on ones chest crushing him or her everyday with the painful reminder they have been violated in sanctity of their most private and personal space their love relationship, their heart.

That being said, I would like to talk about the one who cheats. Commonly known as:
bastard, bitch, liar, trader, home wrecker,adulterer and heartbreaker
(add your own here).
Remarks are made not only initially but over years of time like: I hate you, looking at you makes me sick, your dirty, your damaged, stay away from me, your evil, your a whore, your dead to me, you are selfish, you cannot be trusted on any level, when I look at you all I see is pain, you disgust me, you’ve a loser, your a narcissist, your worthless, you are damaged, (again add your own here). So who cares about the one who cheats? Answer? No one.
They are rejected and scorned not only by long term friends, but often by family, business associates, future potential lovers (once a cheat always a cheat), and labeled eternally never to be trusted again. They are thrown aside like garbage, kicked to the curb, ignored, laughed at, unfriended, isolated, and are embossed with a permanent letter X on their forehead warning those around them that this person should be avoided at all costs. Very often, even those who commit crimes have more credibility on an emotional and moral level. The cheater by far is the most repulsed.

Does anyone think about emotional impact of the whirling chaos and sharp objects that have effected the cheater? I know. Your answer is “No”. Or better, “Hell no”.

Cheating doesn’t occur in a vacuum. While stepping out is not acceptable and clearly should be avoided at all costs, not everyone who cheats is irrevocably dark and damaged inside. There are multiple dynamics in relationships to begin with that play out and often lay the ground for cheating spouses or partners. My purple couch and I are here to say that not all, but many who cheat DO and CAN change.I have seen it and I have had the privilege of being a part of it. Cheaters who care enough to fix themselves work very hard to understand themselves and accept responsibility for the trail of damage and fallout they have left behind. I have worked with many individuals who actually do have remorse and shame, who want to change, who squarely and honestly dissect themselves and look hard at what they have done to others and to themselves. To straighten the crooked line inside them and make the pain worth something.

I encourage them to heal the ones they have harmed, and very often they succeed. Relationships often don’t make it, over 80% of marriages who have infidelity end up in divorce. It’s by far the most difficult conflict to treat in couples. I have seen the power and palatable energy of love and it can be an unstoppable force. When 2 people love one another and both want the relationship, healing can be achieved.

So the next time a friend, or co-worker, family member or acquaintance shares they have been cheated on, know that not all those who cheat are emotional lepers. Most likely they have already been shunned, and shut out by their world and are in their own private emotional nightmare. Don’t be so quick to judge their insides, there is always so much more to understand the what’s on the surface.

Advertisements

Simple Rules for Communication

Image

It’s hard to know how to argue. We learn from our parents, and if that tells you anything like most of us, it’s a skill that requires learning. If you follow these basics I promise you that communication becomes easier. I’m talking about how to talk not solving the issue itself.

1. No Name Calling: Do I need to list these? Nah

2. No Interrupting: Let the other person finish. Interruption when a person is trying to share their view STOPS the process and doesn’t allow the other person to be heard. Bite your lip. If you are talking or thinking about what to say next, you are not listening.

3. No Character Assassination:  These are allegations that the person you are fighting with might be a bad or unpopular member of his family, have a bad relationship with his or her friends, co-workers or children or is not respected by his colleagues.  Or that he/she had issues with his or her X that was similar. Not nice, not needed.

4. No Physical Violence: No hitting, throwing of objects, punching, scratching, spitting, you get it.

5. No Leaving the Room: Unless you are going to give yourself a time out to cool off, leaving in the middle of an argument is a power move and avoidance. It makes the other person feel unimportant, disrespected, and cut off. If you feel things are not getting anywhere and escalating, tell the person you’re arguing with that you need time to cool off AND (this is key) TELL THEM WHEN YOU WILL RETURN TO FINISH THE DISCUSSION AND WHEN It should be within 24 hours at the latest. An hour or two would be best. Or if you’re really good 10 minutes should do. Otherwise the topic never gets fully discussed and goes subterranean. Only to come up another time, most likely in the middle of your next fight

6. No Switching:  This occurs a lot when I see couples and it sounds like this:  

Person A ” When you leave stuff on the floor in the bedroom, it makes me feel irritated. I have asked you to work on this and you keep doing it! ”  

Person B “OMG are you kidding me? You leave your dishes everywhere in the house, your one to talk”.

Switching STOPS the process and will easily send you both onto another million tangents that you both are angry about. Lots of couples do this. If you want to bring up an issue bring it up SEPARATELY or at another time. Not this time.

7. No Abusive Language:  In other words no cuss words or vulgarity. It’s easy to say things like this when we are angry. The only thing this does is give us release but in doing so, it  shows disrespect toward the other person and STOPS the process. Use words that mean the same thing. I know it’s hard to find another work for “fuck!”   (My personal favorite), there are a zillion other things you can say when things are heated.