The one you love. Kissing, Hugs, Cuddling and overall physical affection release oxytocin,
a hormone that makes you feel HAPPY and decreases
depression. It also keeps you emotionally
connected and maintains intimacy with your partner.
..Everyone is going to hurt you,
You just got to find the ones worth suffering for” Bob Marley
William James once said
“Wisdom is learning what to overlook”.
Yet when we are in a relationship with a person we love so much how do we know exactly what to overlook or when to step up or put the breaks on?
If something is hurting us, do we overlook it as something that may be Insignificant or inconsequential?
Is it transient? Or do we convince ourselves we are being loved, so it’s ok? And very often that really seems like a fair trade.
Do we allow ourselves to get in so deep that when the door closes behind us, and we find ourselves in menacing places, or even being in situations that we would normally make an effort to avoid what do we do? Hope it’s not there with the new morning sun?
Does “crazy” look the same when you love someone then when you aren’t involved? How does love enslave us to a point where we loose our sense of self? Or better, our sense of what love is or should be for us? Do we deserve better?
Chaos, lies & deceit, rejection, broken hearted hurt can so easily be intertwined that sometimes, we just can’t find the end of the string. Where does the love end and the hurt begin? Is it love at all ? Do we call it love because it is what we know love to be?
Sometimes our hearts want to be loved and held so close that we often take risks against our better judgement. Then suddenly we feel,
we are randomly dumped alone in a dark place with nothing but ourselves and our seething pain to keep us company. We have no idea how we got there or how to compartmentalize the pain and figure out how to find our way back. You may have found yourself in a situation such as this. Your hurting but somehow the hurt isn’t as bad as the love you feel on the other side. So you decide not to get out.
You tell yourself it’s ok while in between you find yourself immobilized by fear confusion combined with passion mixed with disappointment and sadness. Then the tears come that no one sees. The knots in your stomach, the laying awake at night wondering if it’s real love or maybe something is wrong here. Then we stay, knowing full well where we are headed and what’s coming.
How is it that our little tiny hearts over take our big brains every time? We all have experience in these matters we just choose not to use our brains. We just don’t want to. Knowing full well in the end we will crack or break and suffer and create more pain.
Does love or loneliness have the power to move us into places we never thought we would be?
Some of the chaos is familiar and although exasperating at times we continue in the relationship
because we love that person. LOVE.
The pain we feel doesn’t outweigh the pleasure we feel. And as I always say;
when the pain or angst or sadness begin to take up MORE space in your
heart then the love, happiness & warmth it’s time to consider letting go.
If you don’t you may find that you eventually burn one another out fighting
about things that don’t really matter.
One will get broken hearted and loose what they tried so very hard to keep.
The feeling that no one else or nothing else matters.
Love takes us and we are more then happy to oblige.
Because that’s all anyone ever really wants. And somehow even in the darkness we convince ourselves it was all worth it. Because if even for a little whIle we floated. It found us. We experienced it. We felt happy. We belonged.
Even while our brain was screaming at us we closed the window, plugged our ears and just floated.
(Thank you Maya Angelou for the inspiration)
I have learned that someone can love you more then you know, without having to show you in the ways you always want.
I have learned that it doesn’t matter how good you look,
if the person you want to notice, doesn’t
I have learned that everyone has a breaking point, no matter how strong they are
I have learned no matter how good something tastes, how lovely something is or how cozy something feels, it’s just not as enchanting unless the one you love is enjoying it with you
I have learned that the bond of true love and soul mates cannot ever really be broken, no matter how many people try to make it so, or how many tragedies occur
I have learned that when you think you are in your deepest despair,
you can go even deeper then you ever thought possible
I have learned that love is fragile gift, and if you are luckily enough for someone to give it to you, cherish it, protect it, and put it first, before anything.
I have learned that you don’t always get a second chance at everything and anything and that making the pain worth something changes you for the better
10 simple guidelines.
1. Invest in a Good Wardrobe.
Even if it’s a few items that you can mix and match. A few pairs of high quality shoes, a couple of nice coats or jackets good jeans, and several button up high end shirts to mention a few. Clothes are important and make a huge impression. Purge those college clothes and the warn out tennis shoes along with buying new t-shirts to name a few.
2) Be Respectful to Women.
I hear a lot of stories about men at happy hours, and professional networking functions, particularly in sales and marketing who make sexually obnoxious comments to women. These men seem to think their comments are “great pick-up lines” and that woman actually enjoy their inappropriate remarks. In reality these comments are experienced as tasteless, tacky and disrespectful. Women talk among themselves about the men that behave this way and these men create very repugnant reputations for themselves. Often among their male colleagues as well. They are seen as cocky jackasses and are avoided and disliked. Be respectful and kind. Women already get barraged with crass inappropriate comments and yours won’t be uniquely funny. Don’t be surprised if you don’t get that sale, don’t make that network connection, or if you find yourself standing alone with a cocktail. No matter how good you may think you look or how successful you may think you are. The woman you disrespected may end up being your boss one day.
If I could give one piece of advice I would say to “Trust Your Gut”. Clients pay me a lot of hard earned money so that I can teach them to trust and use the gift they already have that is not only powerful but very effective. Their instinct. The problem is they don’t trust themselves enough to listen.
I spend countless hours reviewing with clients what their perspective was at the beginning of a recently failed relationship. I ask them to look back with me and ask themselves in retrospect, did they see any red flags? Did they see or hear something from him or her that struck them as bothersome?
The answer is most always is ” yes…but.”
“I noticed that he drank heavily BUT he was going through a hard time”, “You know, I did notice that she became angry easily or her reaction was not in proportion to the situation BUT I thought it meant she really cared about me or that I was making too much of it”. Or “..he worked a lot and we didn’t have a lot of quality time together BUT he was trying to make partner and I figured it would get better”, or ” She didn’t share much about her last relationship but I didn’t want to pry”. The bottom line is this folks:
LISTEN to your gut.
Your instinctual sense of something is keenly accurate. Too many people second guess themselves and find that the very thing that alerted them in the beginning of a relationship with that person was very often the impetus of the relationship not working. For those of you who were brought up in homes where there was an addiction to alcohol or drugs, you have the best instinct of all. I call this your “Superpower”. When a parent has an addiction to alcohol or drugs, children learn to sense the predictability of unpredictability. Addicts are inconsistent, unpredictable, they break promises, and create an environment of fear that also produces shame in their children. After a while the child develops a very good sense of being able to “read” mom or dad. This default skill develops in adulthood into a sense of “reading” people very quickly and most often quite accurately. Look back now at any relationship in your life that didn’t work for you. Can you recall if the reason was something to do with what you spotted early on and just ignored?
Learn to trust your instincts and listen to yourself, because in the end your probably right.
Yep, I said it. I have seen many women of all ages, races and cultures who have come to me for various reasons over the years, reasons unrelated to sexual issues, yet somewhere in the middle of our therapy session they blurt it out, like ripping off a band-aid; ” I don’t think I have ever had an orgasm how would I know?” Tears usually follow then embarrassment. Most always, they have never told a soul, they are too embarrassed. Not even the ones who they have been married for 25 years or more, or their boyfriend or girlfriend who they have been dating or living. They usually have not masturbated and if they have, “Nothing happened”. I usually follow with: “You would know if you had one, but you can get there “.
Believe it or not this vignette is not as unusual as you think. Woman of all ages from 18-60 often keep this as a secret. I even treated a lesbian who was 28 years old share with me that when she was involved with men, and she had dated men all her life, and even briefly married, she had not had orgasms until she was with another woman. Of course that makes sense, she was with someone who had the same equipment, who taught her about her own body. My point, is that as women, most of us have never discussed details of being a woman with our mothers, even as adults. I applaud the moms out there and there are some, who aren’t afraid or intimated to discuss these issues with their daughters. And there are lots of women who have very open and frank discussions with their moms about questions they have or concerns about their bodies and sexual topics. Boys and men? In my experience, it so much more normalized. We often say as parents ” You know, Johnny is taking awfully long showers nowadays, he is at that age if you know what I mean” (wink). I have found, that VERY few parents discuss with their girls how to understand or get to know their bodies. Of course most parents discuss whether or not to get on birth control, whether or not to have sex and at what age, pregnancy issues, and they’re monthly cycle. Don’t even get me started on STD’s. But how many mothers or fathers for that matter talk about it with their girls? Is it permitted? Is it taboo? Is it assumed that it’s not needed?
I generally encourage my female clients with these concerns to go buy the book ” Our Bodies Ourselves”. Initially printed in 1971, and still a highly popular book in its 9th publication and in 26 foreign editions. It educates about the female anatomy, female sexual health, sexual orientation, childbirth reproduction, mental health, menopause, etc. I highly recommend it for anyone who has a daughter to give to them as a gift. Even if you think your daughter will say: “Mom? Really?”. Trust me there is a lot of mis informed woman and men out there who have learned from their peers, in the area of sex, STD’s, and things you would not imagine. I have had several young girls who started their period who unknowingly inserted a tampon in their ass because they didn’t know where to insert it or how, and were not taught anything different.
So in short, for those out there who feel alone in this area, or who don’t feel sexually empowered, go buy your self a vibrator, educate yourself and get to know your body. It’s your body and it will listen to you. If you have a partner, ask him or her to explore with you when your ready, what you like and what you don’t like. Its better than your husband or partner becoming angry or frustrated that they are not pleasing you, if they even know.