Category Archives: relationships

Do One Thing.

The world around us is unraveling. People are unraveling. We don’t feel safe anymore. Protests, senseless mass murders, terrorism, the ongoing turbulence and mistrust of our law enforcement, the increase in gun sales, workplace violence, and corruption in many of our religious
and spiritual communities. And even our places of worship have become targets for deranged and misdirected violence.
Our leaders have become weaker, our economy has become overburdened and our dollar has become worth less and less. Which forces us to work even harder and longer. Will we ever get relief or change?  Or will it only become worse.

Have we been so busy observing mankind loose his mind that we have lost site of our enormous sense of responsibility and power as individuals? The small things that we can do that become ripples into large change? It’s time for us as people, as community members, as employees, as students, as young adults, as families, worshipers, as non believers, and as humankind to create a change. WE are the world. WE are what determines whether we choose anger and isolation from one another or to choose love and kindness in our actions or reactions. Only we can stop the madness. WE are the answer.

I believe in us.
Try this. Do one kind thing today for another person. If everyone would do just one nice thing for another person once a day or even once a week imagine the impact.

To do nothing is to decide to relinquish  control to all of the evil and chaos around us to the haters.
Hold a door open for someone, buy the persons coffee behind you in line, say hello and make eye contact with someone who looks distressed, let that person in your lane when your driving instead of pretending you dont see them. If you see someone standing in the rain, offer them an umbrella. As a nation being kind to another came naturally after 9-1-1 thats just who we are, and no amount of terriorism will ever disrupt the soul of this country.

Love can change everything. Believe it.

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Can you handle the truth?

Getting honest with yourself is hard.
Staying honest even harder. It’s so much easier to avoid, ignore, compartmentalize, and just turn our heads the other way. We can. We do. Doesn’t everyone? Well, eventually we pay for that detour. It hits us over the head one day and forces us to look at that old and familiar ugly mug of reality. What we have refused to acknowledge, what we minimized, sneaks back to visit us through the back door. Lying to ourselves can be so much more comfortable then honesty and vulnerability. Whether it be avoiding looking at something inside of ourselves or doing emotional reconnaissance on someone we love.
Is living in denial a bad thing if we are enjoying the ride? Or does acceptance of the obvious eventually give us a longer ride at the end?
Insight is cheap unless we are willing to do what’s hard.
Making honest choices based on truth. A comfort zone is a wonderful place, but nothing ever grows there.

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” How do I know if I have had an orgasm?”

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Yep,  I said it.  I have seen many women of all ages, races and cultures who have come to me for various reasons over the years, reasons unrelated to sexual issues, yet somewhere in the middle of our therapy session they blurt it out, like ripping off a band-aid; ” I don’t think I have ever had an orgasm how would I know?” Tears usually follow then embarrassment.  Most always, they have never told a soul, they are too embarrassed. Not even the ones who they have been married for 25 years or more, or their boyfriend or girlfriend who they have been dating or living. They usually have not masturbated and if they have, “Nothing happened”. I usually follow with: “You would know if you had one, but you can get there “.

Believe it or not this vignette is not as unusual as you think. Woman of all ages from 18-60 often keep this as a secret. I even treated a lesbian who was 28 years old share with me that when she was involved with men, and she had dated men all her life, and even briefly married, she had not had orgasms until she was with another woman. Of course that makes sense, she was with someone who had the same equipment, who taught her about her own body.  My point, is that as women, most of us have never discussed details of being a woman with our mothers, even as adults. I applaud the moms out there and there are some, who aren’t afraid or intimated to discuss these issues with their daughters.  And there are lots of women who have very open and frank discussions with their moms about questions they have or concerns about their bodies and sexual topics. Boys and men?  In my experience, it so much more normalized. We often say as parents ” You know, Johnny is taking awfully long showers nowadays, he is at that age if you know what I mean” (wink). I have found, that VERY few parents discuss with their girls  how to understand or get to know their bodies. Of course most parents discuss whether or not to get on birth control, whether or not to have sex and at what age, pregnancy issues, and they’re monthly cycle.  Don’t even get me started on STD’s.  But how many mothers or fathers for that matter talk about it with their girls? Is it permitted? Is it taboo?  Is it assumed that it’s not needed? 

I generally encourage my female clients with these concerns to go buy the book ” Our Bodies Ourselves”.  Initially printed in 1971, and still a highly popular book in its 9th publication and in 26 foreign editions. It educates about the female anatomy, female sexual health, sexual orientation, childbirth reproduction, mental health, menopause, etc. I highly recommend it for anyone who has a daughter to give to them as a gift. Even if you think your daughter will say: “Mom? Really?”. Trust me there is a lot of mis informed  woman and men out there who have learned from their peers, in  the area of sex, STD’s, and things you would not imagine. I have had several young girls who started their period who unknowingly inserted a tampon in their ass because they didn’t know where to insert it or how, and were not taught anything different. 

So in short, for those out there who feel alone in this area, or who don’t feel sexually empowered, go buy your self a vibrator, educate yourself and get to know your body. It’s your body and it will listen to you.  If you have a partner,  ask him or her to explore with you when your ready, what you like and what you don’t like. Its better than your husband or partner becoming angry or frustrated that they are not pleasing you, if they even know.