..Everyone is going to hurt you,
You just got to find the ones worth suffering for” Bob Marley
William James once said
“Wisdom is learning what to overlook”.
Yet when we are in a relationship with a person we love so much how do we know exactly what to overlook or when to step up or put the breaks on?
If something is hurting us, do we overlook it as something that may be Insignificant or inconsequential?
Is it transient? Or do we convince ourselves we are being loved, so it’s ok? And very often that really seems like a fair trade.
Do we allow ourselves to get in so deep that when the door closes behind us, and we find ourselves in menacing places, or even being in situations that we would normally make an effort to avoid what do we do? Hope it’s not there with the new morning sun?
Does “crazy” look the same when you love someone then when you aren’t involved? How does love enslave us to a point where we loose our sense of self? Or better, our sense of what love is or should be for us? Do we deserve better?
Chaos, lies & deceit, rejection, broken hearted hurt can so easily be intertwined that sometimes, we just can’t find the end of the string. Where does the love end and the hurt begin? Is it love at all ? Do we call it love because it is what we know love to be?
Sometimes our hearts want to be loved and held so close that we often take risks against our better judgement. Then suddenly we feel,
we are randomly dumped alone in a dark place with nothing but ourselves and our seething pain to keep us company. We have no idea how we got there or how to compartmentalize the pain and figure out how to find our way back. You may have found yourself in a situation such as this. Your hurting but somehow the hurt isn’t as bad as the love you feel on the other side. So you decide not to get out.
You tell yourself it’s ok while in between you find yourself immobilized by fear confusion combined with passion mixed with disappointment and sadness. Then the tears come that no one sees. The knots in your stomach, the laying awake at night wondering if it’s real love or maybe something is wrong here. Then we stay, knowing full well where we are headed and what’s coming.
How is it that our little tiny hearts over take our big brains every time? We all have experience in these matters we just choose not to use our brains. We just don’t want to. Knowing full well in the end we will crack or break and suffer and create more pain.
Does love or loneliness have the power to move us into places we never thought we would be?
Some of the chaos is familiar and although exasperating at times we continue in the relationship
because we love that person. LOVE.
The pain we feel doesn’t outweigh the pleasure we feel. And as I always say;
when the pain or angst or sadness begin to take up MORE space in your
heart then the love, happiness & warmth it’s time to consider letting go.
If you don’t you may find that you eventually burn one another out fighting
about things that don’t really matter.
One will get broken hearted and loose what they tried so very hard to keep.
The feeling that no one else or nothing else matters.
Love takes us and we are more then happy to oblige.
Because that’s all anyone ever really wants. And somehow even in the darkness we convince ourselves it was all worth it. Because if even for a little whIle we floated. It found us. We experienced it. We felt happy. We belonged.
Even while our brain was screaming at us we closed the window, plugged our ears and just floated.
1) People not holding the door open for you when you are behind them, you are invisible apparently. It slams on you. Nice.
2) Those who decide to talk on their cell phone not only in quiet area but to put it ON SPEAKER no less. Do you people think we have any interest in what you need from the grocery store? Or what Your personal movie preferences are? And for those who speak in another language, do you think no one is educated enough to understand? STOP it. Go outside. Get a headset. Stop Talking.
3) I HATE being called ” HON” by someone in the world of customer service. “How can I help you today hon?” First I’m old enough to be your mother, second it’s condescending and rude. STOP it. It makes me immediately hate you. There have been times I have not purchased something I wanted because the sales woman was calling me ” Hon”.
4) When I’m driving my car and a person wants to cross the street
(not in a crosswalk) I wave them to go then person walks SLOW across the street. Now I’m a patient person mostly. I can tell the difference between a person who is cognizant that there are cars waiting, they walk fast, make eye contact, smile, kind of walk/skip/half run/jog across. Then there are those who is purposely walk slow because they have to walk and I don’t. Why else would they do this?
5) Please give me physical space when I am standing next to you Mr. or Ms. Stranger in a public place. In line at the grocery store, on a bus, in line at the gelato store or coffee shop. I don’t want to smell your breath or touch you in anyway. Your making me claustrophobic. Give me SPACE! And please don’t talk to me either. By this point I’m too annoyed with you,
It’s hard to know how to argue. We learn from our parents, and if that tells you anything like most of us, it’s a skill that requires learning. If you follow these basics I promise you that communication becomes easier. I’m talking about how to talk not solving the issue itself.
1. No Name Calling: Do I need to list these? Nah
2. No Interrupting: Let the other person finish. Interruption when a person is trying to share their view STOPS the process and doesn’t allow the other person to be heard. Bite your lip. If you are talking or thinking about what to say next, you are not listening.
3. No Character Assassination: These are allegations that the person you are fighting with might be a bad or unpopular member of his family, have a bad relationship with his or her friends, co-workers or children or is not respected by his colleagues. Or that he/she had issues with his or her X that was similar. Not nice, not needed.
4. No Physical Violence: No hitting, throwing of objects, punching, scratching, spitting, you get it.
5. No Leaving the Room: Unless you are going to give yourself a time out to cool off, leaving in the middle of an argument is a power move and avoidance. It makes the other person feel unimportant, disrespected, and cut off. If you feel things are not getting anywhere and escalating, tell the person you’re arguing with that you need time to cool off AND (this is key) TELL THEM WHEN YOU WILL RETURN TO FINISH THE DISCUSSION AND WHEN It should be within 24 hours at the latest. An hour or two would be best. Or if you’re really good 10 minutes should do. Otherwise the topic never gets fully discussed and goes subterranean. Only to come up another time, most likely in the middle of your next fight
6. No Switching: This occurs a lot when I see couples and it sounds like this:
Person A ” When you leave stuff on the floor in the bedroom, it makes me feel irritated. I have asked you to work on this and you keep doing it! ”
Person B “OMG are you kidding me? You leave your dishes everywhere in the house, your one to talk”.
Switching STOPS the process and will easily send you both onto another million tangents that you both are angry about. Lots of couples do this. If you want to bring up an issue bring it up SEPARATELY or at another time. Not this time.
7. No Abusive Language: In other words no cuss words or vulgarity. It’s easy to say things like this when we are angry. The only thing this does is give us release but in doing so, it shows disrespect toward the other person and STOPS the process. Use words that mean the same thing. I know it’s hard to find another work for “fuck!” (My personal favorite), there are a zillion other things you can say when things are heated.